The thing I learned which I wish I never had to – creative writing
I've thought of you so many times this week.
I'm here again. I'm here as I am most mornings. I'm here leaning against the corner of my room, and all I can feel is the cold wall pressed against my cheek, I'm emotionless and still. A feeling I am so used to by now I'm not even sure why I still notice it. But I do, I do notice it. I notice how my skin feels so uncomfortable against the flaking paint, cold and wet. Wet from my leaking eyes or condensation; I am no longer sure.
So I lie here as the sun starts to rise and break through my window; the shimmering ever changing rays casting faint shadows as they dance around the room. I open my eyes and let them adjust to the light as they flicker around the room. Maybe in hope that something interests me enough to take my mind off things. But it nothing ever does, it's all the same; always the same. It's always the same four walls, watching me, judging me. As I realise this I feel so tired, I feel so fucking tired!
Everyone is always so afraid of getting hurt, But Fuck don't you want to fall for somebody who will never love you back, put your heart in his hands and clutch your chest as he tears it apart, breaking every bone in your rib cage, and when you kiss him, you hope he bites your tongue and makes you bleed until you beg him to stop. Everyone is so scared of pain but you need pain because of those mornings when you lay on your bedroom floor when you've finished crying and you lay there emotionless and still, like I am now. Convinced that you're dead and there's nothing inside you. You feel empty and numb. And the memories of him will make you cry and scream. It will hurt, but God at least you'll feel something.
But right now there's nothing. No feeling. No emotion. No nothing.
I still remember that last day with you; no matter how hard I try, I can't forget it. Fuck I remember it so well.